Ellis Rides a Tank
by UglyTurnip
Summary: WARNING: CRUDE HUMOR. A scavenging hunt goes from weird to crazy when Ellis manages to ride a tank. One-Shot. Random. Read at your own risk.


"Hey, Nick," Ellis said to the conman as the two were getting ready to leave the saferoom. Tonight was their night to go scavenging for supplies, much to Nick's annoyance. Weird things always seemed to happen when he was paired up with Ellis.

"What is it, Ellis?" He asked, maintaining patience for now.

"Did I ever tell you 'bout the time my buddy Keith and I visited a strip club and he pissed off the bartender there?"

Nick opened his mouth to shut Ellis up, but Ellis continued talking before he could say anything.

"I mean, he had like three women on them, and they were all like, breaking glasses over his head. Man, poor guy never stood a chance. I think he must have suffered some brain damage, beca-"

"Ellis, let's focus, we have to scavenge for some med kits. That witch sliced the hell out of Rochelle's tits."

"OK, right. Save the tits," he turned to Nick, who had a single tear rolling down his eye.

"Yes. We must save them. We can't afford to lose 'em."

"Nick, it's OK, brother, we'll get through this together," he pulled the conman into an unwanted hug.

"Woah, woah, woah!"

"C'mon Nick, I know you need it."

"No, Ellis! Behind you! Taaaaaannnnnnnkkkkk!"

Ellis instantly did broke away and turned to the Tank. The monstrous steroid junkie was charging down the street, roaring at its potential prey.

"Nick, run! I have a plan!" Ellis cried as he began to climb a nearby ladder.

"Shit, Ellis!"

"Trust me on this!" Ellis assured as he made it to the top of the ladder and kicked it down. The tank roared at him, and punched the house supports. However, Ellis was one step ahead of him, and leapt off of the building. He landed directly on the tank's head, causing the creature much confusion.

"Holy shit!" Ellis cried as he tilted the head like a joystick. "It worked!"

"Ellis!" Nick shouted as he saw that the mechanic was actually steering the tank in the direction of he tilted. "You're like a human jockey!"

"This is amazin'!" He grinned. "Only I ain't gonna hump him!" He quickly added.

"Ellis, you are one crazy bastard!"

"I don't care!" Ellis yelped, but continued his grin. "This is better than Whispering Oaks!"

"We could use him, Ellis! The zombies wouldn't stand a chance!"

Ellis nodded. By now, the tank was attempting to throw him off, but he held on. It roared loudly, which caused a small horde to investigate.

"Gar! Un! Roh!" **(Run, you fools! Run!)** The tank barked.

Without any expressions changed, the common infected turned and dashed away. Nick didn't even have to fire a single shot.

"Nick! I'll cover you while you look for a health kit!" Ellis offered. Nick nodded, and he entered the nearest open house.

However, the houses in the mill town were already mostly picked clean. Rochelle's condition was probably worsening by the minute, and Coach didn't want to risk infection by using dirty rags. Nick and Ellis had volunteered to leave, while the one-man Cheeseburger Apocalypse stayed behind.

"Shit," Nick mumbled as the last house on the street turned up empty. "Nothing in there, either."

The tank had gone quiet. A few houses back, Nick had managed to score some duct tape. Ellis had shut the tank up with that.

Ellis look concerned, sitting on his 'mighty steed'. "We gotta keep going, man. Rochelle needs us."

Nick nodded, and loaded his AK-47. "There's one last row of houses to check. If there isn't a med kit in them, I'm afraid it will be too late for Rochelle's tits."

Ellis frowned, a look of determination replacing his normal goofy demeanor. "Let's roll."

. . .

The street was mostly clear of infected, save for a few commons and one very lonely charger. However, he spotted a female boomer idling in one of the houses. Maybe now he could finally score with one of the ladies.

"Urrrrrr? Der surtsderps." **(Hey girl, are you** **trash? Because I wanna take you out.)**

The female boomer turned to face him, and she gurgled a response. "Blep, oooh, Blep." **(Not right now, I don't feel so good.)**

The charger was about to walk away when it heard a familiar faint rumble.

"Huwwwwwuuuuuuhhh!" **(Taaaaannnnnkkkk!)**

The female boomer was clutching her stomach. "Beup." **(This isn't helping.)**

The charger peered out the window, only to see a tank barreling down the road, with a human clutching its head. Another human was nearby, but the tank was leaving it alone.

The charger knew better than to go up against the tank, even if it was protecting two humans, so it stayed inside. It was only when one of the humans decided to investigate the house did the charger try to attack. Unfortunately for him, AK-47 bullets are not very charger-friendly.

Nick did not see the female boomer, and he turned to the countertops. There, laying in all of its glory, was a single first-aid kit.

"Perfect."

He turned to see the female boomer standing next to him. She began to spew vomit uncontrollably.

"Bleeeeh!" **(Oh shit, I'm sorry!)** she cried, but the damage was done. He ignored killing her and ran outside.

"Ellis! Take the medkit!" He cried as the zombies began approaching.

The mechanic caught the medkit, but the tank took this as an opportunity to send the boy flying. When the boy regained his senses, the tank was approaching the surrounded Nick. He saw a tricycle nearby. It may be his only method of escape.

_RESCUE HAS ARRIVED, GET ABOARD!_

"Nick!" He shouted! "Nick! Get over here!"

Nick only smiled and winked at Ellis. There was no hope for the conman surviving this.

"Nick, no."

The tank pushed through the commons and began to pummel him. Through one last glance, Ellis saw him mouth 'save the tits,'.

So, Ellis boarded the tricycle, and began to peddle away as fast as he could. The other zombies never noticed him.

_IN MEMORY OF:_

_Nick_

. . .

Ellis arrived back at the sugar mill saferoom, with Rochelle lying on a table and Coach trying to stop the bleeding.

"Boy, tell me you found a med kit."

Ellis pulled it out. "Hurry, Coach."

One operation later, Rochelle's chest was patched up and everything was OK.

"Hey, where's Nick?" Coach questioned.

"He gave his life for the safety of those tits. He was a helluva man."

Coach smiled. "Eh, we'll find him in a closet soon enough. We always do. In the meantime, who wants Burger Tank?"

All three joyfully laughed, blissfully unaware of the pounding coming from the saferoom's closet.

_The End._

**Man**, **I must have been on some serious drugs when I wrote this. . .**


End file.
